Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
tell your sister to shave her snatch
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
two words: eviction party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
