my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
