I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I could make wine with my vomit
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
