He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
