i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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