Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
