Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
