So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
