dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
