True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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