Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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