did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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