he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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