I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
we're so committed to being not committed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
