Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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