How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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