We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he fucked my hip out of place.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
