trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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