Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
