I'm eating all of the evidence.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
