There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
