If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
