Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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