Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
