Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
