did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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