Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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