don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
