I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
