I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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