I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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