You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
