I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
