the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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