This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
