My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
