Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
