woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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