Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
