It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
