Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
