She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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