You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
