Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
