Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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