Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
