If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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