I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
