i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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