is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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